I'm an optometrist. I test people's eyes. I like to think I'm quite good at it. It's not like I can juggle lenses or do contact tonometry just using my thumbs (I'd like to see you try), but I reckon I'm good at making people enjoy their tests.
I take my time. I explain the red and green numbers (if they ask). I make jokes. I'll draw an astigmatic cornea on the back of an envelope. I start at the big letter E and say "Well if you can't see that one sur' we may both go home". Once a man didn't get it. But it's okay, he came in without wearing his contact lenses and didn't tell me. We didn't go home.
While it looks like I'm friendly, warm and informative, a lot of it is, for want of a better word, an act. They're hidden behind a big machine spinning lenses on front of them hearing me talk away, asking them to look at some dots while in reality I'm typing up notes about their grandfather going blind after getting hit by a combine harvester. I can do it automatically, ask questions, change the lenses without even thinking. They say the red numbers look sharper? I twiddle the dial to the left. I take away the big lensey machine (it's an autophoroptor, if ye wanna google it), eye contact resumes and we have a bit more of a chat.
But sometimes I mess up. An example? Fine, keep reading.
Everytime I bring someone into my room I ask them how they are. I'm genuinely interested, I like to know if a person's going to be a pleasure to test or if they're about to explode with every gripe they've bottled up this past two years. I ask one of two questions usually.
(1)- And how're you?
I'm not sure why I start with an 'And'. It's probably grammatically incorrect but I've not been pulled up on it yet. With this question, I emphasise the 'you' part, almost like how Joey Tribbiani says "How you doin'?" Again, I like to show these people I give a fuck. Most of the time, I do.
(2)- And how're you today?
BIG DIFFERENCE. Putting 'today' in the mix is something I do for people I've seen before. It tells them that I know I've seen them before, that I remember them and how they were two weeks ago and that I want to know how in God's name they are doing today. If Joey Tribbiani ever said "How you doin' today?", that's probably how I'd say it.
Anyway, people tend to answer in two ways. First one is a simple "Grand" or maybe a "Cold". I say "Good stuff" and on we go.
Some other people say their "Grand" or "Cold" and then ask how I am. I say, WITHOUT FAIL, "Not too bad" and, again, on we go. Clockwork.
But a wee while ago the clock broke. A wee while ago the clock went out the window.
Names have been changed to protect anonymity. Not mine, though. I'm an idiot and I can admit this.
Noel: Peter, is it? Peter come on in for your eye test.
(In room)
Noel: Peter, rest yourself on the big chair there a wee while. How're you?
Peter: Not too bad. Yourself?
Noel: Not too, eh, I mean, not too, eh, grand. I'm grand.
HE USED MY LINE AGAINST ME. Bastard.
Anyway, the rest of the test went well, he got his new glasses a while later and was over the moon with them. Saw stuff he hadn't seen in years. Shook my hand and all. I felt sorry for planning to call him a bastard in a blog post I'd soon write.
But the blog post I did indeed write. It's up there. See?
I take my time. I explain the red and green numbers (if they ask). I make jokes. I'll draw an astigmatic cornea on the back of an envelope. I start at the big letter E and say "Well if you can't see that one sur' we may both go home". Once a man didn't get it. But it's okay, he came in without wearing his contact lenses and didn't tell me. We didn't go home.
While it looks like I'm friendly, warm and informative, a lot of it is, for want of a better word, an act. They're hidden behind a big machine spinning lenses on front of them hearing me talk away, asking them to look at some dots while in reality I'm typing up notes about their grandfather going blind after getting hit by a combine harvester. I can do it automatically, ask questions, change the lenses without even thinking. They say the red numbers look sharper? I twiddle the dial to the left. I take away the big lensey machine (it's an autophoroptor, if ye wanna google it), eye contact resumes and we have a bit more of a chat.
But sometimes I mess up. An example? Fine, keep reading.
Everytime I bring someone into my room I ask them how they are. I'm genuinely interested, I like to know if a person's going to be a pleasure to test or if they're about to explode with every gripe they've bottled up this past two years. I ask one of two questions usually.
(1)- And how're you?
I'm not sure why I start with an 'And'. It's probably grammatically incorrect but I've not been pulled up on it yet. With this question, I emphasise the 'you' part, almost like how Joey Tribbiani says "How you doin'?" Again, I like to show these people I give a fuck. Most of the time, I do.
(2)- And how're you today?
BIG DIFFERENCE. Putting 'today' in the mix is something I do for people I've seen before. It tells them that I know I've seen them before, that I remember them and how they were two weeks ago and that I want to know how in God's name they are doing today. If Joey Tribbiani ever said "How you doin' today?", that's probably how I'd say it.
Anyway, people tend to answer in two ways. First one is a simple "Grand" or maybe a "Cold". I say "Good stuff" and on we go.
Some other people say their "Grand" or "Cold" and then ask how I am. I say, WITHOUT FAIL, "Not too bad" and, again, on we go. Clockwork.
But a wee while ago the clock broke. A wee while ago the clock went out the window.
Names have been changed to protect anonymity. Not mine, though. I'm an idiot and I can admit this.
Noel: Peter, is it? Peter come on in for your eye test.
(In room)
Noel: Peter, rest yourself on the big chair there a wee while. How're you?
Peter: Not too bad. Yourself?
Noel: Not too, eh, I mean, not too, eh, grand. I'm grand.
HE USED MY LINE AGAINST ME. Bastard.
Anyway, the rest of the test went well, he got his new glasses a while later and was over the moon with them. Saw stuff he hadn't seen in years. Shook my hand and all. I felt sorry for planning to call him a bastard in a blog post I'd soon write.
But the blog post I did indeed write. It's up there. See?
What's that thing Heaney does in his poetry, celebrates the ordinary init? Well that what you do.mate. It's refreshing, not everything is Fucking James Bond.
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