Some weeks ago, after running some distance, I opened the door of my flat. I entered, panting, and sat at the desk in my room.I took off my running shoes, checked my phone and stretched a little bit against the mantlepiece near the desk. This is a fairly regular occurrence. I had a shower, also a regular occurrence.
After the shower, my concern was nourishment. Running takes a lot out of me. I'm a hefty lump of Monaghan man, 15 stone most days, so I burn a serious amount of calories galloping around Edinburgh. I would make dinner, sure, but that could take half an hour. I needed something quicker than that. I've been in this situation before. I wanted protein and sugar, and I wanted them right then. I opened my cupboard.
Out of my cupboard I took rice cakes, peanut butter and squeezy jam. You don't need a diagram for what I had planned. I took three rice cakes from the packaging, arranged them in a Triforce pattern on the plate, smothered them in peanut butter with a knife and drew a circle on each one with squeezy jam.
I ate them quickly, sandwiching the second and third rice cake together for maximum efficiency. I put the plate and knife over by the sink. I opened my cupboard, put back the rice cakes, put back the squeezy jam and put back the... hmm. I looked at the jar of peanut butter and I wondered something.
"Wouldn't it be great if they made squeezy peanut butter?"
And then I put it back in the cupboard and checked my phone again. It was a fleeting thought. But later that evening I thought about it a little more.
Out there in the world somewhere, there's probably a man whose whole world is squeezy peanut butter. A food scientist who is working night and day to get peanut butter to that exact consistency and viscosity so that it will be easy to squeeze out of a bottle. His marriage is probably on the rocks. The wife took the kids to her sister's house last week and they haven't returned but he doesn't care. He doesn't have time to care. Rumour has it the Japanese got their peanut butter down to 90,000 centipoise. 90,000! Efficient Asian bastards. That's almost half the regular viscosity of peanut butter! They'll be squeezing the stuff in no time. It probably tastes terrible, though. That's his strength. His progress is slow, but he's kept the taste right. His next batch, SqPB211, will probably get below 100,000 and still taste like a dream. And a month or two later he'll get lower again. 2013 will be his year. He'll show the bigwigs what he's made of.
He's made of squeezy peanut butter.
They'll make millions. He'll get his bonus and he'll put a down payment on that new Mazda he's been looking at. The wife will come back. The kids will come back. His world will be right again. He can go back to the easy side of food science, whittling down the amount of chocolate in Yorkies without making them look less manly. And some man in Edinburgh will be able to make his post-run snack without the need for a knife.
After the shower, my concern was nourishment. Running takes a lot out of me. I'm a hefty lump of Monaghan man, 15 stone most days, so I burn a serious amount of calories galloping around Edinburgh. I would make dinner, sure, but that could take half an hour. I needed something quicker than that. I've been in this situation before. I wanted protein and sugar, and I wanted them right then. I opened my cupboard.
Out of my cupboard I took rice cakes, peanut butter and squeezy jam. You don't need a diagram for what I had planned. I took three rice cakes from the packaging, arranged them in a Triforce pattern on the plate, smothered them in peanut butter with a knife and drew a circle on each one with squeezy jam.
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| Maybe you do need a diagram. This is the triforce, a symbol of immense power in the videogame series Zelda. Imagine the yellow triangles are rice cakes. IMAGINE IT. |
"Wouldn't it be great if they made squeezy peanut butter?"
And then I put it back in the cupboard and checked my phone again. It was a fleeting thought. But later that evening I thought about it a little more.
Out there in the world somewhere, there's probably a man whose whole world is squeezy peanut butter. A food scientist who is working night and day to get peanut butter to that exact consistency and viscosity so that it will be easy to squeeze out of a bottle. His marriage is probably on the rocks. The wife took the kids to her sister's house last week and they haven't returned but he doesn't care. He doesn't have time to care. Rumour has it the Japanese got their peanut butter down to 90,000 centipoise. 90,000! Efficient Asian bastards. That's almost half the regular viscosity of peanut butter! They'll be squeezing the stuff in no time. It probably tastes terrible, though. That's his strength. His progress is slow, but he's kept the taste right. His next batch, SqPB211, will probably get below 100,000 and still taste like a dream. And a month or two later he'll get lower again. 2013 will be his year. He'll show the bigwigs what he's made of.
He's made of squeezy peanut butter.
They'll make millions. He'll get his bonus and he'll put a down payment on that new Mazda he's been looking at. The wife will come back. The kids will come back. His world will be right again. He can go back to the easy side of food science, whittling down the amount of chocolate in Yorkies without making them look less manly. And some man in Edinburgh will be able to make his post-run snack without the need for a knife.
